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Fed up with freeze? Warm your cockles with Ronnie Corbett's best gags

por Efrain Macknight (2021-01-04)

CARTAO_groove_petshopV.pngFed up with freeze? Warm your cockles with Ronnie Corbett's best gags

By Daily Mail Reporter
Updated: 01:20 GMT, 4 December 2010

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Ronnie Corbett: The smallest comedian who gets the biggest laughs

Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a ­Toyota with Quasimodo?

He came up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame!

It's a typical Ronnie Corbett gem. Even today, as he turns 80, the diminutive comic is still going strong. Here, to celebrate, are some of ­his most hilarious jokes. 

A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

We've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1.

Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers — but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

Once when I was a baby, a bus conductor said to my mother: ‘Missus, that's the ugliest child I've ever seen.'

She had a few tears and replied: ‘Stop the bus, I want to get off!'
He said: ‘With pleasure.'

She sat down outside a pub, still crying with me in her arms.

A few minutes' later, a man asked her what was the matter, but she was so upset that she couldn't speak.

He said: ‘Wait there and I'll get you a drop of something to cheer you up a bit.'

He came back and said: ‘Here you are, I've a brandy for you and some nuts for the monkey.'


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There was a chap who is interested in the concept of psychic phenomena; the concept where one day you suddenly hear from a guy who died 20 years ago. You know, a bit like second-class mail.

I was lying in bed with my wife last ­Sunday morning when she called me by a special pet name, a loving and endearing term.

‘Hey Shorty,' she said. ‘Would you like to hear the patter of little feet?'

Taken aback, I replied: ‘Yes, I would.'

She said: ‘Good. Run down to the kitchen and get me a glass of water.'

One of the weathermen has just become a father.
The baby is said to be fine, with occasional drizzle later in the day.

Funnyman: Ronnie Corbett keeps cracking the jokes despite being nearly 80

The first school I ever went to was a pretty soft school.

At St Pansy's Primary, you could have a reign of terror with a ­balloon on a stick while we were paying protection money to the Brownies.

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf.

Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me:

‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!' And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me.

I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

Latest on the bullion ­robbery: At Wandsworth Police ­Station, a man who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak ­English, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little ­bit.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye.

If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

The world's ugliest man died today. Now, he's lying in a state.

And now a message from the police in Finchley. There's bad news about the two rabbits stolen from Peter's Petshop.
Only 14 have so far been recovered.

My great-grandfather was killed at Custer's Last Stand — he didn't take part in any fighting, he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

I was going to open a ­restaurant with topless waitresses — but was put off by the overheads.

'The world's ugliest man died today.

Now, he's lying in a state'

Two chaps go to the cinema to see a John Wayne film. Before they go in, the first chap turns to his friend and says: ‘I bet you £10 that before the end of the film, John Wayne falls off his horse.'

He said: ‘OK.
I bet you £10 that before the end of the film, John Wayne doesn't fall off his horse.'

In they go and, sure enough, before the end, John Wayne, having cleaned up the Wild West, leaps onto his trusty steed and splat! He falls off the horse.

Out come the two chaps. The first chap pockets the ­tenner and says: ‘I've got to be honest, I've seen it before and I knew he falls off his horse.'

The other said: ‘Yes, I've seen it before as well.
I didn't think the silly fool would do it again.'

I once met a fantastic girl, beautiful face, great figure. I asked if I could buy her a drink.

She said: ‘No thank you, I don't drink.'

I said: ‘How about a cigarette?'

She said: ‘No, I don't smoke.'

I said: ‘Can I take you home?'

She said: ‘Yes please.' So I drive her home and I say: ‘You're the most ­wonderful girl I've ever met.

You don't drink, you don't smoke, you're beautiful, wonderful sense of humour, intelligent.'

She said: ‘Yes, I'm also very passionate. Would you like to come in?'

Well, she opened the door and there, lying in the hall was a dead horse.

I said: ‘What's that?'

She said: ‘I never said I was tidy, did I?

A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint.

Both crews are thought to be marooned!

ISSN: 1980-5861